My dearest Jay,
I feel this restlessness in you and I am afraid you would be gone before we are back. If this happens, I cannot let you go without letting you know all the unspoken words that are haunting me.
I shall not dwell on my fears ... the dangers to your soul, the apprehensions of a mother ... the anxieties for a loved one. You already know these for I have told you so at our family council.
The mother in me feels this complete helplessness ... one I have never felt before ... not even when your ate told us she was getting married, nor when your kuya had his own share of problems. I knew somehow I would always be able to reach out and offer my hand if they needed me. But in your case, I feel that if a time comes when somehow there would be a need for a helping hand, I would not be near enough to let that hand be mine.
You were always the unique son ... eager to live life the fullest, impatient with the strings that kept you bound to heart and hearth. You showed this even when you first came out into this world ... in not more than 40 minutes that Easter Sunday.
Through your childhood, at play, in school and with your peers, you were always restless ... as if in search of a missing treasure. I know I cannot hold you any longer. But it pains me so much to let you go. If only I could get an assurance that you would remain faithful to the faith you grew up with in the family, somehow the pain would be lessened. But as I said earlier, I shall not dwell on fears.
If you must go in search of the truth, I pray that your search would be guided by the light and not by the darkness that breeds on distortions and errors.
The agony a mother must go through for love of her children is indescribable. I have no complaints. I shall not even mind for as long as you know that I am always here ready to welcome you back.
Bring this love with you and know that for as long as you are away from home, I shall be praying for you.
Life must go on in our family. Your brothers and sisters need our care still. The small ones need more than our care. I will always have that void and I shall be missing you.
But I cannot allow you to leave with a heavy heart. So take my blessings with you. May the angels keep you safe wherever you go. May the good Lord bless you and keep you always.
Remember, I love you very much.